Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
