we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Green mimosas i think yes
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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