I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
