you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
