Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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