It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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