Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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