if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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