We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
They should really pass out barf bags in church
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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