i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
