I cockslap morals
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
