well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
