Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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