am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
