so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
