I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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