I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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