I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
