i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
