Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
