Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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