Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
