overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
