My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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