Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
