Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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