My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
