i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
