she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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