wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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