I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
