either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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