My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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