There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
