If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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