i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
