Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
