there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
