false alarm. still invincible.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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