Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
