Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
