she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
