I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
