Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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