:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
