god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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