im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
