I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
