theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
