Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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