awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
